So I’ve been marinating on this one over the weekend and I told Kev to fire it off before the seemingly endless Monday Night Football pregame show starts with our weekly dose of Jason Kelce overexposure… (no disrespect, I too have worn a shirt 2 sizes too small in the OD, but I digress).
As much as I serve as the pessimist of the group when it comes to the birds, I too love this team, I just am so numb to dopamine and general feelings of happiness that I am permanently skeptical. Why am I mentioning this, because I was graciously invited by dear friends of the show to join them with a plus one to the game last Thursday night, (seriously thank you, it was not necessary and completely wonderful of you!)
So as I watched the rise of another iconic Eagles defensive core, and was a witness, in person, to just how truly special Saquon Barkley is (he’s even more dynamic live, that burst is faster than your television set can handle), I was also able to do one of my favorite pastimes as a Philly fan, people watch.
Most of what I witnessed was typical Philly fanfare, right down to the one OVERLY drunk Redskins Commies fan getting into a fight with like 4 different Birds fans after the result was no longer in doubt (seriously it was sad, he was so pathetic that at the first yell of “Fuck Around And Find Out” he tucked tail and left).
But there were three things that I witnessed at halftime that begged me to write this, and they ALL were concentrated in the bathroom.
Lincoln Financial Field at its Finest
- A kid being held up by his father to piss in the sink. This took me back to a simpler, drunker time, namely the Vet. I know, I know, the Vet was a toilet, BUT IT WAS OUR TOILET! Leaving us free to cast off the shackles of pissing in the troth and instead pissing IN THE SINK! It gave me warm and fuzzy nostalgia that made me realize that Lincoln Financial Field, the Linc, is indeed the spiritual successor to the Vet: it just took 20 years for the shiny veneer to finally tarnish, freeing us to relieve ourselves as we need and see fit. Good on you dad and son, a bonding moment that surely will be fondly recalled as time passes.
- The two 20-something bros augmenting the line to the toilet stalls as they saw fit so one could go in and then his fellow douchecanoe could go into the SAME stall immediately after. Listen to me very carefully boys–WE ALL KNEW YOU WERE DOING COKE! YOU WEREN’T BEING SLICK, YOU WERE BEING TOOLBAGS! Nobody cares, you fucked up the line and made a father hold his son up to piss in a sink, causes have effects you vapid assholes… Probably wasn’t real shit anyways…
- The last scene from this bathroom is much like the first, a nostalgia-filled romp that took me back to a simpler Philadelphia. As I walked to the front of the bathroom, post returning my rented Miller Lites to from whence they came, I stopped to wash my hands and I noticed that there was only one other sink occupied as 80% of patrons simply returned to their seats without sanitization. It was delightful to be reminded of a simpler time, before Covid and sanitation, back to the early nineties in Philly where you could still buy soft pretzels in the brown paper bag from the corner vendor that YOU KNOW NEVER WASHED HIS HANDS AND PROBABLY PISSED EVERY HOUR, ON THE HOUR. It reminded me that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
And before any of you that know what satire is tell me to shut up and go back to writing hockey pieces that like 4 people read (I love you 4 sickos), I have one thing to say to you: Flight Check Part 3 has to be edited because the Defensemen are looking completely… apt?!
And to the rest of you saying that it’s not fair to judge an entire fanbase on what was probably a crappy bathroom in the upper-level endzone with a bunch of 700-level holdovers, I have one thing to say to you: I WAS IN THE FUCKING CLUB LEVEL… you numpties (Seriously thank you again for inviting us! You know who you are!!!)
What’s YOUR story from a beloved Philly sports outing? Share in the comments below or on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, BlueSky, or TikTok!
