The combine is underway, and what better use of my time than considering power rankings for all 32 teams. Considerations: there are no considerations. I tried to look at this considering mainly the current roster with minimal speculation on what teams will do in the draft and free agency. Ready, go!
The Bottom Half
32. New York Giants (3-14) – They don’t even know how to be terrible well. They proved themselves right out of a new quarterback. But hey, maybe that was the plan all along. The next Manning is draft eligible in 2026.
31. New York Jets (5-12) – The Jets pressed their luck trying to recycle another Green Bay quarterback. Conservatively, the last two years will cost them at least 2 more years of relevance
30. Cleveland Browns (3-14) – Browns gonna brown. They are about to lose their best player (with any luck and a lot of Howie math, to the Eagles) and there is no way out of the Watson’s contract.
29. Tennessee Titans (3-14) – I don’t know if they are ready to move on from Levis, but I don’t think it matters either way.
28. Las Vegas Raiders (4-13) – Unless Brady leverages his ownership position to get back on the field, the Raiders won’t escape the bottom 5.
27. New England Patriots (4-13) – They’ve upgraded at head coach to Mike Vrabel, former Patriots Super Bowl-winning linebacker. Wait, didn’t we just see this?
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-13) – They are turning over their head coach and Lawrence looked like he was made of glass last season.
25. New Orleans Saints (5-12) – Decided improvement at head coach but a terrible cap situation. Derek Carr is making roughly $37M this year and they get the added luxury of having it look like $50M against the cap.
24. Carolina Panthers (5-12) – I didn’t look beyond Bryce Young still being on this roster.
23. Arizona Cardinals (8-9) – Call of Duty Black Ops 6 is trash.
22. Chicago Bears (5-12) – I think Caleb Williams is trash. I only have them this high because Kev thinks he is as “Not terrible” as Levittown. Personally, I’m cuing up a bunch of The Crying Game memes for how this softie reacts to two losing seasons in a row.
21. Atlanta Falcons (8-9) – The 2024 Eagles are a case study in the last piece you add is a running back. This team should take note. Have fun trying to find someone to eat Cousins’ contract.
20. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-7) – Death, taxes and the Steelers don’t go below .500.
19. Miami Dolphins (8-9) – The wrong Alabama quarterback ain’t gonna do shit throwing to the wrong Alabama wide received.
18. Indianapolis Colts (8-9) – They’re gonna get their moneys worth out of that Jonathan Taylor contract this year.
17. Cincinnati Bengals (9-8) – Lost a weapon and the line still sucks. Live to miss the playoffs again.
16. Denver Broncos (10-7) – Broncos are on the come up. I’ll admit I was wrong about Bo Nix. I could see them making a push into the playoffs.
Middle of the Pack
15. Los Angeles Chargers (11-6) – Team feels like it’s getting old. You could convince me to move them to 25 for a vanilla snack pack and a box of Oreos. That said, I think they make a return to the playoffs in 2025
14. Seattle Seahawks (10-7) – I just need to get them off my list before I get to playoff teams.
13. Los Angeles Rams (10-7) – Stafford is a year older, Kupp is likely gone. I think they miss the playoffs.
12. Dallas Cowboys (7-10) – Nothing would make me happier than the Cowboys having the best record among teams that don’t make the playoffs.
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-7) – I don’t think 2024 was an aberration for Baker Mayfield. It takes years to wash the Browns out of your soul.
10. Green Bay Packers (11-6) – I want to keep seeing Hurts knock Love out of the playoffs.
9. Washington Commanders (12-5) – The Skins are set up to stick around.
8. Baltimore Ravens (12-5) – As long as Lamar is their QB, their upside is capped
7. Minnesota Vikings (14-3) – Sure Darnold shit the bed, but anyone who wrote him off after his first 6 years forgets he came into the league at 20 years old.
6. Detroit Lions (15-2) – Niners will return to form so……
Top 5
5. San Francisco 49ers (6-11) – This assumes a healthy McCafrey.
4. Buffalo Bills (13-4) – Josh Allen is one of the most exciting QBs to watch. As long as he is a Bill, they will jock for home field advantage.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (15-2) – People in KC will cry the world is falling over a 2 game losing streak at some point in the season. I don’t foresee a Super Bowl hangover, but Travis Kelce is not gonna find the fountain of youth. That said, Mahomes physically looks like he let that contract turn him soft, but he is still going to compete for the AFC bye.
2. Houston Texans (10-7) – Stroud will overcome his sophomore slump and turn some heads in the conference.
1. Philadelphia Eagles (14-3) – Who the fuck else do you think I would be putting in this spot.
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